The past few days have been filled with so many exciting events that it is difficult to assimilate all of it in one single chapter. The beginning of the week kicked off with some very audacious, life threatening stunts pulled on from my end and some life inspiring, courageous acts of bravery pulled from the other end. Needless to say the latter has given me strength and a bare Myocardial infarction.
Always wondered all through my (very young years of existence) what could numb my senses? What does numbing ones senses actually mean? What can be so overpowering that it clings on to you every moment and makes aware of it self at the most freaky hours of the day and night? To my utter good luck and extreme inconvenience I've realised what can truly numb my senses.
It's this smell, this fragrance, this aroma that drives me wild. At times it's so mild and so distant that my heart palpitates and I draw in obscene amount of breath and hold it for the longest time so that I can enjoy it a little more. I try to cling on to it like for the longest time, as long as my lungs allow me to hold my breath. A fear grows deep inside me of it completely vanishing.
At times however it is so strong that I turn around to see a human figure embodying the smell, anything to make it more real and more sensible. Believe you me it's a sensation that I've never felt before. It's my new solace, my shelter and my new drug.
A sane mind would say that it's supposed to freak me out, but it doesn't. It makes me feel empowered. I know the source of it, although I don't carry the actual source with me, I come in contact with it probably thrice a week sometimes not even that, YET it just stays with me.
Whenever I've read war time novels, I've wondered with a strong sense of detachment how could a mother, a lover, and a wife sent their man off to war? What goes on in their hearts to all of a sudden find out that their beloved has to report to duty and leave all by himself, battling for his life , never knowing what might just happen. No source of contact whatsoever and the uncertainties … The only difference is that he has a battalion and I fight and wait alone.
Like I repeatedly say, it's my God, against their Angel; it's my faith against their doubts. I wait for the soldier to return in full glory and claim what is rightfully his…
"The devil of a man exercises a fascination on me that I cannot explain even to myself, and in such a degree that, though I fear neither God nor devil, when I am in his presence I am ready to tremble like a child, and he could make me go through the eye of a needle to throw myself into the fire."
-General Vandamme, on Napoleon Bonaparte
OVOT
