Fatal Attraction

You'd think strange events and stranger people would freak a person out, but what if I tell you that I absolutely love such people and such events?

I've been by the grace of Almighty blessed with world class psychos that have taken over all my senses and my life. You hear about obsessive psychopaths with extreme, obsessive behaviors who would do anything for love in a fit of rage or dead calm of their emotions but you seldom get to see them. I didn't of late realize that I was surrounded by them and frankly speaking it shakes me to my core.

I have a psycho in me too, however it's under layers and layers of self control. Good thing it is, because the people I'm surrounded with are pretty out of control, extremists (with reference to their emotions, feelings, actions and decisions pertaining to them and their subject) and when two lose control it's well … not very nice.

In a moment these individuals can lose and screw themselves and their subjects. They screw themselves more with their misplaced sense of reasoning, love and destroy everything in a moment. All in the name of love.

It's eerie, cold, uncanny, disturbing and very soul-numbing. The more I realize the intensity of their psychosis, the more they unravel it by their actions the more they jolt me and I get a creepy, a very sending-shivers-down-the-spine kind of feeling of being loved immensely. Completely. Totally. Obsessively.

They are my catharsis and I am there's. I can't do without their psychosis and they can't do without my complete submission to their psychosis. I am not ashamed to accept that I love psychopaths. The obsessive ones who have nothing and everything to lose who put everything on stake so nonchalantly as if it's nothing but a walk in the park. The ones who in their moment of utter, complete trance think of nothing and reach a point of no return with an ease that would baffle any sane mind.

It's a transition from Psycho A to Psycho B. In between I've had the privilege (sic) of meeting pseudo-psychos too who well did what they were capable of yet failed miserably because they weren't psychotic enough.

There is a pleasure sure
In being mad, which none but madmen know
-Dryden, 'The Spanish Friar'

 OVOT

Freaky Friday - replugged

The past few days have been filled with so many exciting events that it is difficult to assimilate all of it in one single chapter. The beginning of the week kicked off with some very audacious, life threatening stunts pulled on from my end and some life inspiring, courageous acts of bravery pulled from the other end. Needless to say the latter has given me strength and a bare Myocardial infarction.

Always wondered all through my (very young years of existence) what could numb my senses? What does numbing ones senses actually mean?  What can be so overpowering that it clings on to you every moment and makes aware of it self at the most freaky hours of the day and night? To my utter good luck and extreme inconvenience I've realised what can truly numb my senses.

It's this smell, this fragrance, this aroma that drives me wild. At times it's so mild and so distant that my heart palpitates and I draw in obscene amount of breath and hold it for the longest time so that I can enjoy it a little more. I try to cling on to it like for the longest time, as long as my lungs allow me to hold my breath. A fear grows deep inside me of  it completely vanishing.

At times however it is so strong that I turn around to see a human figure embodying the smell, anything to make it more real and more sensible. Believe you me it's a sensation that I've never felt before. It's my new solace, my shelter and my new drug.

A sane mind would say that it's supposed to freak me out, but it doesn't. It makes me feel empowered. I know the source of it, although I don't carry the actual source with me, I come in contact with it probably thrice a week sometimes not even that, YET it just stays with me.

Whenever I've read war time novels, I've wondered with a strong sense of detachment how could a mother, a lover, and a wife sent their man off to war? What goes on in their hearts to all of a sudden find out that their beloved has to report to duty and leave all by himself, battling for his life , never knowing what might just happen. No source of contact whatsoever and the uncertainties … The only difference is that he has a battalion and I fight and wait alone.

Like I repeatedly say, it's my God, against their Angel; it's my faith against their doubts. I wait for the soldier to return in full glory and claim what is rightfully his…

"The devil of a man exercises a fascination on me that I cannot explain even to myself, and in such a degree that, though I fear neither God nor devil, when I am in his presence I am ready to tremble like a child, and he could make me go through the eye of a needle to throw myself into the fire."

-General Vandamme, on Napoleon Bonaparte

OVOT 

   

Heaven Abode

It's not death itself that hurts, but death of a kind man that's painful. I didn't know him personally, just took a course with him in the summer of 2008 which ended in approx three months, but in those three months I grew to respect him (which seldom happens); as a person. He would never shy away from answering the most irritating questions and more than that he was a kind teacher. How many people would smile and be polite and exchange pleasantries without any reason? How many teachers would go an extra mile to make their students comfortable? Sadly not many … and now there's one less a person who did.  

His family lost a kind man and we lost a kind, loyal teacher. Amidst other sulky, angry inefficient teachers, the man was nothing less than an asset.

Mr. Shamim Khan is going to be missed profusely. May his soul rest in peace (Amen) 

You got mail !

Dear God,

Sometimes I wonder is Heaven as chaotic and esoteric a place like Earth? The thought depresses me at times, because you see Earth isn't all that. To be honest it’s a pretty pathetic place for a 21 year old girl with a pansy heart. For starters what's with these eastern men and their obsession with marriage? Women get all the blame but ground reality paints a different picture. It's never I love you, it's always I love you and want to marry you. Why can't it just be I love you, end of story? Why this grotesque devious connotation of love?

I also, dear God, find it quiet uncanny and unjust that the most honest human beings have to go through tribulations that test their patience, values and truthfulness to the utmost. There are people whose strength and integrity I can only marvel, who earn respect (and there aren't many people I respect) through their actions and values rather than their status or position, their pride and arrogance; a tribute to their hardships and their struggle to make themselves better with each passing day, never shying away from hard work. Sounds too good to be true, but I've been blessed with two such individuals and I'm quiet thankful to You for them. I've also noticed, dear God, that people who denounce You, who refuse to even believe in Your existence live life king size, and then there's this thing about poverty, illness etc …. Nietzsche was so right when he said that one is punished most for one's virtues.

 

Don't you find us human beings stupid? I find us very stupid and delusional. We sort of believe that we matter in Your grand of scheme of things, just a way to humor ourselves. Talk about self effacement. We're also naïve enough to believe that we have the power to destroy Mother Earth through our actions, never mind the fact that She has destroyed human and other races so many times that it's tough to record, new mysteries are unraveled every day. We also like to humor ourselves now and then thinking we have power and control over Your domain.

However I've got to give it You for creating the funniest thing possible; a man's EGO. It never ceases to humor /amuse me. I mean yeah you made Bush, Nawaz Shairf, Firdous Awan ( a serious mishap) and other total waste-of-space-entities, but EGO is hands down the winner. I love the way a man hides his incompetency behind his EGO and calls it, his pride. I find those individuals who mistake their lack of self-respect/esteem for their tolerance, and don't-give-no-fuck attitude more hilarious. It's a weird balance You got there God, but then it is Your space after all.

There are like a million other things I gotta discuss with you but later. Love you much.

OVOT